Today is the National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss. What a wonderful thing to have a day for families to remember their babies that were either born right into the glory of heaven, or that spent only short time on earth before being held by Jesus.
I knew that today was coming. And I knew that this was our first year for this day to hold special meaning in our hearts. I had been dreading today just about as much as I dreaded September 25th (that would have been my due date). But again God's grace pulled me through.
I secretly was trying to decide what, if anything, to do on this day. I had grand plans of setting a balloon loose on the 25th.....but decided against it at the last minute and opted to spend the day with Sam and a sweet friend. I debated whether to follow through with my plan of setting a balloon loose today, but realized that Maddie didn't have school. You see, our earthly children aren't aware that they have a sibling waiting for them in heaven. Even though Sam was with me when we found out we were losing the baby, Wade and I felt that they were much too young to understand and we were afraid that it would cause them more confusion than comfort to be told at this point. One day they will be told. You see, this is as much a part of their story as it is mine.
Today dawned gray and snowy, thus making the decision for me to once again honor my lost baby by simply spending time with Maddie and Sam. The three of us spent the day at the Mall of America, surrounded by bright happy colors and thousands of unknown people full of laughter and smiles. Of course every baby we passed reminded me of what we had lost, but the joy in the eyes of my precious children made it worth the moments of pain.
As I am typing about remembering the baby we lost, I am feeling the subtle bumps and kicks of the baby we are looking forward to welcoming into the world, March 12th 2010 (but are looking toward an induction on the 5th, as I have fairly large babies). We are currently 19 weeks along.
I have been hesitant to declare on here that we were pregnant. Of course, most of my readers are family and already know. The real reason I haven't blogged about being pregnant is simply fear. Fear that I fight to suppress daily. Fear that threatens the joy of this pregnancy. But a fear that is real, as we have lived the nightmare that can happen.
We found out at our 7 week ultrasound that I have a placenta bleed. At last check it was 1.6cm by 1.9cm. My body is currently absorbing the blood and so far it hasn't caused problems. We didn't share the news of our pregnancy with anyone other than immediate family for quite a while. Now that I am 19 weeks we have a good chance to carrying to term.....that being said, I will not relax until this baby is out and in my arms.
I know in my heart that God's grace will pull us through no matter the outcome and trust that God is a loving God and that only He knows what is best.......BUT........I want this story to have a happier ending than the last chapter. I pray next October 15th to be remembering the baby we lost Feb 2009, while holding a new addition to our family.
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2 comments:
What a hard post to write. Thanks for being transparent. I too have someone that I remember today and everyday. I delivered my son Jacob Timothy at 21 weeks. He did not survive. He is home in heaven waiting for us. I also remember my pregnancy after that lost. It produced my wonderful son Jack. It was not an easy pregnancy and every day was fearful. I pray that God gives you the strength to get through this and to deliver a wonderfully healthy baby next spring.
Agreed. You are so precious. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
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