A year gone by.....

We have officially lasted a year in Minnesota. We came, we survived, we conquered. Okay, well maybe NOT actually conquered......but we didn't freeze. That says a lot about how hardy us southerns are, doesn't it?



I can't believe I have lasted a year in Minnesota. Upon looking back the time has really gone fast. However, while living it......it time dragged so sl-ow-ly.



I can say, without a doubt, this has been the hardest year of my life. Seriously. No over exaggeration from this displaced southern gal. I am NOT a cold weather person. I can say that while really knowing what cold weather is now. I deeply abhor the cold weather. I hate having to bundle the kids up to do anything. I hate spending months and months indoors with only the occasion trip sledding.



Added to the weather, was living in a strange (no offense to native Minnesotans, you would find the south strange too) place without any support. And added to that was a sorrowful family event we had overcome.



I have seriously been knocked down this winter. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse....they did. And then when I thought I had hit rock bottom, the ledge I was on gave way and I fell some more.



But, I am still here. I am still standing, though maybe not as tall as I once stood. I am still staying at home to love on my children and husband.



Oh and love my children, I do. Can I go as far to say that I love them even more than I did before this horrific year started? And my husband. I can't even begin to express the love and gratitude I have for my husband for sticking by my side through thick and thin this winter. I told him I would move to the ends of the earth for him......guess I should have been a little more specific in saying.....not quite so far north!



Want to know how I have been able to survive all this? Want to know how I managed to get out of the bed when things were at the lowest of low? Only God's grace, comfort and love.



Seriously, I would have not been suited to be a mom if God wasn't holding me tight in His hands this winter. Please don't misunderstand. I has taken me a while to see that it was God's grace, comfort and love that allowed me to survive. You see, I have been rather angry with God this winter.



Can I admit I have never been angry with God before? I mean seriously down deep in my soul angry and devastated. To the point that I couldn't pray. I hurt so bad that when I tried to pray nothing came out. Nothing came to mind. Nothing came but pain.



Then again, I don't think I have ever had my faith tested as much as it was this winter. I KNOW I have never had my faith tested as deeply as it was. I had never been to the point where there was nothing and I mean NOTHING I could do other than trust in God.



I have always been a "fixer". Fix this problem, that problem, his problem, her problem, my problem, their problem....that is just how I am wired (I get this from my wonderful Mommy- and yes mom, I know that wasn't a complete sentence....but it I wrote it how I would say it -ahem). This winter I was faced with problems that I nor anyone on earth could fix. So, in my child like faith I trusted that God would fix them with the outcome that I wanted.



Guess what? He didn't. He didn't fix them they way I wanted. He didn't fix them the way I cried, no strike that, sobbed for Him to.



But because He didn't (because there is no doubt in my mind that God can heal and change anything.....just look outside for proof of His power), my child like faith that I had been stuck at for most of life grew and thickened.



Doesn't make sense, does it? I was completely let down. I was completely devastated. My life as I knew it, will never be the same. I am a completely different person than the one that moved from Georgia last May. But my faith......oh my faith is stronger.



Why you ask? Why is my faith stronger? Why did I continue my walk with Christ when I felt so forlorn and forsaken, here on earth? That's the key.....here on earth. That's the key to everything. God didn't answer my prayer here on earth.....but He did answer it in heaven.



Okay so I feel like I am skirting around the "issue" without disclosing what the "issue" was. If I am going to be able to help others who have gone through, are going through, or Lord we pray not...but may have to go through times like this, I am going to have to make myself vulnerable and open myself up to you. I started out this blog to be open and honest...and that is what I am going to do.



The "issue" isn't an "issue" at all. It's a baby. A sweet baby that I will never meet on earth. A sweet baby that was born straight into heaven without having to face all the pain and sorrow on earth. A sweet baby that all I have to remember of is a newly added blue stone to my bracelet that holds my earthly children's name and birthstones.



Wow, that didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would. I actually typed it with only a few tears. Thank you Lord for being with me today and giving me the strength to type what has been pulling at my heartstrings to type for quite sometime.



Okay back to the point of all of this. My baby wasn't healed on earth. It wasn't in God's plan for that baby to be born in September as it was suppose to be. But, my baby is healed in heaven. The bible says that there is no pain, tears, nor sorrow in heaven.



Please don't misunderstand. I am not saying that God took my baby away. Then again, maybe He did. I don't know. All I know is that God is good.



Oh it has taken me months to be able to say that and really mean it.



God is good. He has my best interest and that baby's best interest at heart. He loves us both so much that He sent His only baby son (all grown up) to suffer and die for us. That is the ultimate love.



I can't imagine what He felt as He watched His son on that cross. I only know the pain and sorrow in my heart when I knew I was losing the baby and then deep despair that came when I lost the baby. All that hurt and I didn't even have to send that baby to a cross.



So back to why my faith is stronger now. My faith is stronger because I know that God was the only thing holding me up during all of this. He was the one that was catching all my tears. He was the one up with me in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. He was the one that sent comfort my way (even though it took until now to see how He used people to send comfort my way- thank you so much Mom, Sarah, Barbara, Trisha, Salli, and Sam's Sunday School teacher). He was even holding me up when I was mad at Him. Hard to believe that He loved me when I was so mad I couldn't even talk to Him.



Then, I realized. Feeling devastated isn't new. I am not the first, nor the last person to have something devastating happen to them. My devastation pales in comparison to most others.



It also occurred to me that anger isn't new God. I am not the first Christian who has been angry nor will I be the last. Actually the word "anger" occurs 234 times in the King James Version of the Bible. Not only have men been angry at God, God has been angry at men.



Think how many times God got angry at the Israelites after He had saved them from slavery. So angry, in fact (with every right.....building those idols after God had saved them time and time again) that He made them wonder in the desert for 40 years and didn't allow the 1st generation to enter the "land of milk and honey". He was angry, but never stopped loving them and protecting them.



My faith grew when I realized how much God really did love me. Not only loved me, but wanted to have a real relationship with me. A relationship that didn't shy away when I was hurt and angry, but instead held me tighter.



If nothing else, I realized this winter that God wanted to grow me in my faith. He wanted me to quit being a mediocre Christian and really dive deep into Him and really get to know Him on a whole new level.



And my dear sweet friends, God wants nothing less than that for you. He wants to know you. Really know you. He wants you talk to Him and tell Him everything....even when you are hurt and angry. God wants you to love Him above all else. Above things, above money....even above your family.



God is good. I now know that to core of my being in a way that I never knew it before. God is good.